Backpacks, Kayaks and Dolphin Attacks

Gather round, and grab a drink
It’s story time, well don’t you think
A few modest words will wash away
All your troubles of the day?
If not, of course, there’s always beer
But humour me, and sit down here
And let me tell you of the time
Dolphin rapists stole my mind

One sunny day in Napier
Some friends and I had an idea
That during our southward escapade
We’d try our chances with the waves
And six of us, we booked our place
To live in Kayaks for several days
To sleep in tents beneath the stars
In the Abel Tasman National Park

While Claudia, and also Axel
Went to this place during their travels
And have written of adventures here
Of potted porridge and sleeping in fear
Of monsters coming in the night
I must now steal the spotlight
And tell you of a sunburnt nose
And one-up them both by writing in prose


Despite our very careful plan
Other souls were tired of land
Three more would give us their company
And I realised it would be just me
With just two limbs to fight the tides
There was no hope I would survive
I wrote a message in a bottle
To find a captain for my vessel

There’s a story here, but for another day
Of when I was changing in Bob’s Bay
And six paddlers who rounded the bend
Caught me naked on the sand
But anyway we travelled on
We picked up my captain in Nelson
And arrived ten eager creatures –
Eight Germans and two Toms to take on nature

Germans, Germans, everywhere
There’s none left in Bavaria
In every street and hostel room
There’s even Germans on the moon
You don’t have to be in Germany
To learn their language through absorbency
And even when you’re lost at sea
It’s like Munich University

But anyway, we were coastal
Away from all those smelly hostels
On just a little side note
Let’s leave the setting of plastic boats
So I can have a rant instead
About romances in hostel beds
For those who like a midnight fuck
Creating earthquakes in the bunks

If I am, again, concussed
But your desire for physical love
Or if I see your little cock
I will bash it with a rock
Maybe I’ll just cut it off
And in your mouth it will be forced
And to your painful muffled weeps
The rest of us might get some sleep


Sorry, verbal rants are more satisfying
When verbal rants are actually rhyming
There’s something just extremely pleasing-
Sorry, I got distracted from this reading
Remind me, where was I?
Oh yes that’s right, we checked the tide
Took our boats up to the north
Grabbed our paddles and set forth


The timid birds sang out in song
The seals, they watched us sail along
And with not a single cloud in sight
Everything was going right
Until we entered a quiet cove
To set up our temporary canvas homes
And inside Mosquito Bay
The sun would set on our first day

And as the sun rose on the beach
We discovered a tiny breach
In the outer plastic shell
Of our very modest vessel
And as our boat was filling up
I thought of all the things I loved
Coffee, coffee, coffee coffee
And all the cups that would never go in me

But Poseidon, he was on our side
And put a halt to our demise
Delivered us to stable land
And put our feet into the sand
And while we were far away from coffee
At least I would be able to see
A barista in the next few days
To help me satisfy my craves

A brand new ship for us to take
A brand new ship to bear our weight
To carry us across the water
And to the next stop on our adventure
Okay that was shitty rhyme
I’m not perfect all the time
Don’t look at me like I’m a dick
Or like I am completely thick

We met the others to carry on
But holy shit, we lost one
Boat somewhere on the way
They were missing for half the day
And as my nose began a’peeling
I couldn’t help but shake the feeling
That war was soon to be upon us
Two boats pulled up beside as such

And used the pumps for clearing water
To get us drenched, and in total slaughter
Pulled away before we had time
To get revenge for their crimes
But luckily the sun was out
And before long, the summer drought
Had dried us off and warmed us up
In time for our depressing lunch

When one is in the wilderness
The food is, of standards, not the greatest
Fruit and veg only last so long
Before they are as good as gone
Tomato pasta is always there
There’s only so much one can prepare
In a single travel pan
I’m not as resourceful as fucking Batman


The highlight, for me at least
Was during our dash to the East
While paddling out of Torrent Bay
Towards the place where we would stay
But we were running out of light
And kayaking while late at night
Is rather stupid, kinda moronic
Asking for trouble, just plain thick

When literally, right out the blue
(Well, black, by now, in sunset hues)
Some dolphins thought they’d cause a scene
By playing with us in the sea
But, right now, back up I must
For amongst the crew, one of us
Was scared of dolphins taking her
And in the water raping her

As ridiculous as this may be
Sometimes we all test rationality
Dolphins are very promiscuous
And can be sexually quite vicious
You would probably not survive
To tell the story of the time
When every hole was penetrated
By those bastard fishy rapists

She was absolutely terrified
As silhouettes blocked out the sky
It must have taken all her nerve
To keep her panic so conserved
But, of course, we had to jeer
When she cried aloud with fear
Against all odds, we all survived
To be pounded by dolphins another night

That night, I slept beneath the stars
And drifting satellites, even mars
And every time that Eva (softly) snored
I woke up and I adored
The infinite beauty of the sky
Upon the mildest of nights
And softest sand to sleep upon
To wake up with the rising sun

And my friends, well they said
The tide would wash away my bed
Or I would be too cold at night
Or be sunburnt in morning light
Be devoured by sandflies
Wake up in a possum fight
Instead, I had the greatest sleep
That I would have for several weeks

Now, I did everything in my power
But three days without a shower
Leaves you feeling rather smelly
As your hair defies gravity
Imagine that multiplied by ten
The fumes could probably cripple men
And certain things are hard to do
With the absence of a loo

And so, when we returned back
And put our kayaks on the rack
It felt like we took several hours
As we stank out all the showers
Three days without coffee was too much
I was reunited with my love
With heavy hearts, we started to drive
And, to the park, we said goodbye

I hope you have enjoyed this tale
I hope at least I didn’t fail
To occupy your mind a little
As I broke in through the window
And stole all of your valuables
I’m sorry, you’re all such fools
You won’t catch me, you’re too slow
– written by Tom @ indieroad

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