You’ve met them, you’ve put up with them, they’ve haunted your nightmares, you tried to use my GoPro selfie stick to bash them up, you might have been their victim, you might be one of them… Here’s a list of the most obnoxious types of travellers:
Not me! Move along…
Forever Stoned: this is the kind of traveller that should never step on Philippines’ soil. You’ll find them in every courtyard half lying on a sofa smoking weed. It’s easy to spot them. Just follow the trail of white filters the delicate essence of piss. At least that’s what pot smells like to me. These are extremely relaxed, exceedingly affable people – until marihuana runs out, that is. Although these type of travellers’ pastime is getting high by the fire at the campsite, near the beach and in the midst of the woods, they are gifted with an outstanding ability to ride an ATVs through lush tropical dense rainforest and zip-line over the Niagara Falls with a joint hanging from their mouths.
Nature Freak: not to be mistaken with a freak of Nature (although they might become one at some point), Nature Freaks are the most exciting people to travel with – until you travel with them, that is. They will get you all pumped up for hiking, camping, cliff jumping, exotic wildlife, and so on until you get a bunch of locals chasing you down a reserve with spikes after hiking for 20 days in the middle of nowhere and running off a 50-metre cliff to get away from the bear that sneaked up on you while you were admiring the fauna. Fun, huh?
By the end of the trip, you’ll have scars inside and out, and then your Nature-love friend will sit next to you with a map and start planning the next expedition in the Amazons. This is where you’ll stare forward into the empty space, throw a left hook and punch them in the face.
Drunksters: these are the hipsters that try every trendy cocktail, every organic wine and all the artisan beers they find while visiting new places, but never before instagramming them for posterity.
Drunktards: unlike drunksters, drunktards don’t discriminate from one drink to the other, they’ll try them all – depending to their budget. The end is to get drunk, so whichever means is justified… Even goon is accepted. This group claim to have the wildest times and more fun than any other – if only they could remember.
The traveller with Diogenes Syndrome: this group collect every free thing they can find from one hostel to the other. Granted! While all backpackers are suckers for free stuff, this group will just grab any free stuff that comes their way, whether they’ll ever need it or not. You’ll see them wearing oversized shoes, extremely tight clothes, unmatched socks, scarves in summer and two hats one on top of the other. They will probably scour the hostel from the bottom to the top in search of stuff people give away or they leave behind. Their compilation will include a couple of hair dryers, multiple creams and shampoos, a pack of flour (they don’t bake) among other useless objects. It’s easy to spot them, just look for the hobbo version of Santa Claus. And if you are useless, they might collect you too.
The Attention-Seeker: I’ll expand on this one later on as there is a story I feel I must tell you, but for now, all I can say is that these are the kind of backpackers that talk to everyone, make friends with everyone, are highly sociable, will take you down to the pub along with everyone else and that is when it all becomes about them, they need to be the start of the show and won’t share the spotlight. They are needier than people who go broke to look like Kim Kardashian: they will sneak up on you out of nowhere and try to give you a massage, but this is another story and shall be told another time.
The Internet Slave: just why would you travel anywhere just to spend your days glued to your phone? Why? WHY?
The Loner: these travellers must not be mistaken with solo travellers. Unlike the latter, the Loners not only travel alone but they are unwilling to socialise under any circumstances. You might be in the same tour, the same hostel, doing the same activity, at the same campsite or hut, in the same team – you name it – they don’t want to be your friend and each time you try to be nice and ask them questions, they will reply with monosyllables. What’s the problem with that, you ask? Nothing. Only that when you share an isolated hut in a farm surrounded by nothing but fields for miles and miles, when the Loner wakes up in the middle of a stormy night to go to the toilet or the kitchen, then comes back to the shared dorm, and you see their shadow when the light storm hits, you better have some serious medical insurance because there’s nothing saving you from getting a heart attack.
The Runner: there’s nothing wrong with these people. They are fit, they are enthusiastic, they are jolly, they are energetic, they are good-looking… The problem is that you are not. These people love running and the endorphins their body releases so much that they will try to share that joy with you. It’s like a cult. A Nike cult. As they are travelling, they will not only wake up at 5am to go jogging, but they will also try and drag you along with them to have a running buddy. Gifted with warm smiles and smooth talk, they will make you feel like a lazy slow-walking dumpling and at the same time you’ll feel like you have to thank them for it. You’ll have your doubts, their pupils are spiralling, but there is no hypnotism strong enough to make you wake up before dawn during your holidays. YOUR HOLIDAYS. That is why you locked them up in the toilet all through the night. Oops.
The Selfie-Stick Queen: these are the worst kind of travellers. We get it, you don’t care about the extraordinary geological formations of the Milton Sounds or the cultural and artistic significance of the Parthenon, you just want to look pretty on the picture so your friends can make you feel like Angeline Jolie when they “like” your photo. Cool! But can you just explain to me WHY DO YOU STAND IN THE WAY OF THOSE WHO WANT TO ADMIRE THE BEAUTY OF THE SCENERY? Just take one selfie and move along. This is not a photo shoot session, so if you are not happy with the first snap, it’s time to consider plastic surgery or a therapist. And I’m sorry, if you are going to pose for a photo on the boat deck as if you were Audrey Hepburn while your poor boyfriend exhausts the camera’s battery, I’m going to mock you. I’m going to stand behind my friend on the railing of the ship, open up my arms and sing “My heart will go on and ONNNN…”