While I do enjoy laughing at myself, my friends have a blast making fun of me. It’s not that they are easy to amuse, I’m just pretty mockable. First of all, I’m always the clumsiest person in the room; my sole existence is a mystery. If I was living in a war torn country, I would have probably stepped on a mine. Second of all, I’m an awkward person; I somehow find myself in the most embarrassing situations; once I asked a bunch of Americans if they were all moving to Australia because of Trump – they were his supporters. I also told one guy in front of his girlfriend: “I remember you but I don’t remember her,” since he was with another girl that time we met. And when I dance, well, I look like I’m being attacked by bedbugs.
Those qualities of mine are exactly what led me to being close to drowning in Bondi beach. For those of you who haven’t been to Sydney, you might like to know that Bondi is actually the most popular beach in Australia, not because it is particularly beautiful or outstanding, but because… well, I don’t know, all backpackers and tourists go there. Why? Beats me. But I’m one of them. The popularity of the beach is such that it has its own TV show titled “Bondi Rescue,” and it attracts some odd female specimen that wear heavy make-up and high heels to the beach; granted, it takes skill to walk with those skyscraper shoes on the sand, but this is not a Victoria’s Secret photo shoot and only porn stars would wear that much make-up. Actually, my apologies go to all porn stars, you don’t wear as much make-up as those girls. Clowns don’t wear as much make-up as those girls. Yet again, my apologies to all clowns; that comparison was uncalled for.
Anyhow, those days I was filming a video for Indie Road after buying my GoPro camera. I felt like a kid at Willy Wonka’s factory or adult me at the chocolate factory, who am I kidding? First, I interviewed some surfers with my other camera. I felt like a professional with an expensive tie clasp microphone. During the post-production process, I found out that the mic had been out of battery the whole time, but that’s besides the point.
I stood on the shore filming these incredible surfers with my GoPro. The issue was that they looked too far away, so I started to get closer. First, I started walking on the water and soon I was floating, trying the get the best shot of the surfers. I was so focused on trying to get a close-up for Indie Road – and I swear this blog is going to be the death of me – that I didn’t realise I was drifting too far from the shore.
As I was filming the surfers, the current started to suck me in and I became afraid it was pulling me underwater. As I attempted to swim back to the shore, it became a struggle to just to keep my head above the surface, let alone fight being drawn to deeper waters.
That is when a surfer approached me and asked me if I needed help. I said calmly: “Yeah, I’m kind of dying.”
The surfer let me hold on to his surfboard and then another surfer came along to check if we needed help. When he saw we had the situation under control, he told me: “The current was about to take you in.” At the time I was still coughing water out of my lungs, so I was unable say: “Oh really? That explains the salt down my throat.”
As I was approaching the shore, I heard on the speakerphone the lifesaver telling swimmers to evacuate the beach due to strong currents. I felt a little bit embarrassed and responsible for ruining the fun for everybody. Suddenly Britney Spears’ song “all eyes on me” was ringing in my ears but not in a good way.
This whole time I had had my GoPro attached to my hand and it was on, thus everything was recorded. Once I reached the shore and got over my disappointment that despite risking my life, I wasn’t going to be on the Bondi Rescue show, I became excited at the prospect that at least I had good footage of me drowning. Logically then I did what I always do when I become excited about something… I shared it on Facebook. My status was something like: “I almost drowned in Bondi Beach and I’ve got it all on film.” The status spawned a wave of “likes” and “comments” by my friends and some of them were eager to see the video… of me… dying.
Then one of them commented: “That awkward moment when your friends ‘liked’ that you almost drowned.”
But the status didn’t only prompt a laughs among my Facebook contacts: my family didn’t take the news very well as Latin people they tend to overreact, exaggerate and be just a tad overprotective.
My dad: “Australia is too dangerous for you. I’m buying your ticket back to Spain. What’s your Passport number.”
Me: “I think you are overre-”
Dad: “PASSPORT NUMBER!”
But that wasn’t the worst. That kind of information in a Latin family can turn into a disaster. DRAMA LEVEL: MEXICAN Telenovela. In a matter of hours, I was officially dead in 5 countries and even received an e-invitation to my own wake. That and then I broke my tooth while kayaking, I have to admit that my family had it tough that year. They insist they want to see me in person probably because they think they speaking to a robot and I’m actually dead. Or am I? What if this is a sixth sense thing?
If you are a sick bastard like the rest of my friends and you want to see the video of me drowning, here is the link.