In no particular order, here’s a list of the people you frequently find in hostels that need a punch in the face.
1 – The couple having sex in the dorm room – I’ve already discussed this one at length so just follow the link if you want the full rant along with some womanly pictures of rocks; Click me
2 – The douchebag playing Vance Joy’s “Riptide” on repeat on a ukulele – The problem with most travellers who have a ukulele with them is that they don’t actually know how to play the ukulele that they have with them. “Riptide” is probably the three most simple chords to play and oh my god, isn’t it so satisfying to be able to play a whole fucking song?! So most people will stop at this point and not bother even learning the fact that there are indeed at least 100 other popular songs using the exact same chords that would at least provide a smidgen of diversity for the 20 people in the lounge who have heard you screaming “I WANT TO BE YOUR LEFT HAND MAN” 15 times already. You’ve collectively ruined a perfectly good song, I hope you’re happy.
3 – The snorer – Okay this one is marginally forgivable as it’s just nature and can’t really be helped, but don’t you just hate it when it’s 4am and you have to be up in 3 hours to catch a bus and you can feel the walls vibrating as Dave has drunkenly fallen asleep on his back and is just fucking going for the gold medal. Earplugs can only do so much, but when the dust starts to fall from the ceiling like disappointing snowflakes onto your tired face, you will start to hate Dave just a little bit more.
4 – The person who doesn’t clean their dishes and gets everybody else in trouble – I personally think that I have never stayed in a hostel without a “do your dishes” sign of some description above the sink. Every time I see one I roll my eyes as everybody just fucking knows the drill and shouldn’t have to be told, but every single time I find myself surprised that some asshole hasn’t got the message and has sprawled out a whole fucking plethora of kitchen utensils from one end of the room to the other. The next day, as nobody ever owns up to this heinous crime and nobody is ever caught in the act (maybe they’re invisible? maybe it’s the ghosts? maybe the fork dirtied itself and left itself conveniently on the kitchen sink?) the receptionist or hostel owner will have a grunt at everybody because of the fucking state of the kitchen and make you all feel like you have let your parents, your idols and the rest humanity down by not cleaning somebody else’s dirty plates, and sometimes they may even impose those nasty little things called ‘alcohol bans’. The worst part is, the culprits have probably already left and checked out at this point, and left the consequences of their selfishness to burden somebody else’s shoulders.
5 – The person who spends all day on the sofa on their laptop and then complains they’re bored – I would like one of these people to explain to me exactly why they are travelling as, and I’m going to put this in capitals because it needs to be shouted into their dumb little ears, THE WORLD IS OUT THE FUCKING DOOR NOT IN YOUR FUCKING BROWSER. Idiots.
6 – Tim Penninger – Just God Dammit Tim.
7 – The late night reader – Anybody who does anything to disrupt the sleeping of others in the dorm room needs a slapping, and often it doesn’t take much. If you require a light on at some ungodly hour to read your “Lonely Planet” guide then go out into the hall or common room, because you’re being a dick. If your headphones are a little too loud as you listen to the ‘intricate’ strumming pattern of “Riptide” to impose on everybody else in the morning, you’re being a dick. If you’re watching a movie with strobe lighting effects while others try to peacefully sleep, you’re being a dick. Don’t be a dick.
8 – The late night returner – Following on with disrupting the resting of others, anybody who goes out for a bit of a party and can’t return subtly after spewing their stomachs into the hostel toilets of questionable hygiene levels also deserves a slap. Learn to be fucking considerate, and if you’re too drunk, just sleep in a hedge, you probably won’t be able to tell the difference anyway and it will make a good story for you to write about on Indie Road.
9 – The party group – There’s always a bunch of people (often the “lads on tour” or “woo girls”) who insist on heavy drinking and loud, louche behaviour in the common areas. They sometimes even try to impose their alcoholism on everybody else around them by forcing them into their dumb games or making jokes about them. I’m sorry but being a drunken shameful mess while trying to sleep with anything with legs is not everybody’s idea of euphoria – go to the pub. Go out clubbing. Go and make a bonfire on the beach. And whilst your at it, consider that spending all your money on drinks is exactly what you could be doing back in your own country of residence. Is partying in other countries really that different to anywhere else? Or are you just trying to flaunt your exotic foreign traits in the hope that some poor, washed up local will want to fondle your genitals? Was it really worth spending all your savings on a plane ticket just to play out the same old scenes in a new country? Was it?! Really?
10 – The person cooking fish curry in the communal kitchen – Yeah thanks for making my clothes smell like the ocean for the next week. Feel the wrath of my fist.
11 – The slut/manwhore – To anybody trying to sleaze their way around a hostel; come on. We can all see through your desperate attempts for attention. You’re being a dick. I hope you cry yourself to sleep, alone, and disappointed.
12 – The guy who shouldn’t be travelling because all he does is complain about everything and anything and amazingly, travelling seems to make him more negative, and he brings down everybody else in the hostel with his negativity, passive aggressiveness, inappropriate racist jokes and ginger beard – If you can’t appreciate the world as an item of beauty, why the fuck did you even leave the crows nest? Find something that makes you happy and pursue that, don’t ruin travel for everybody else.
13 – The guy with smelly feet – Oh yeah, that might be me. Sorry world. I hate it, I know I’m being the worst kind of person by stinking out the entire dorm room and offending the noses of lovely innocent backpackers, and hypocritically I get upset when other people do it to me, but there’s not a lot I can do. At the very least I can say that I walk long distances to experience the best of Planet Earth, I just wish that there wasn’t a price for everybody around me to pay. I apologise from the very fathoms of my broken soul.
14 – Travelling packs – Okay, it’s fun and perfectly fine to travel in groups, but when you arrive at a hostel people will try to be social, and you shouldn’t just shut them out because they’re not “one of the crew”. I ask you, politely, to integrate and to make some friends instead of shutting off the world around you and mocking everybody in orbit in your native tongue. You’ll see “the crew” again tomorrow, so tonight you shouldn’t the opportunities that come knocking on your door. Who knows, maybe even one day you’ll start a blog with a Venezuelan.
15 – Food stealers – The food in the kitchen with labels on, carefully put into arranged boxes in the fridge is NOT FOR FREE. It belongs to somebody who paid for it and it could be all that they have left. When did humanity stoop so fucking low? Likewise, if somebody has made a meal or a cake and left it on the side, don’t presume it’s fair game unless they tell you. I have witnessed the face of utter depression upon realisation that the meal that somebody had saved themselves had been taken and eaten – I almost wanted to cry for them. In respect of looking at this from all angles, I would also urge everybody to label their food coherently to minimise this.
It is with great pride I can say that people like this only represent what I believe is less than 5% of the backpacking community. I do think that amongst every culture there are people I consider amazing and people I consider less than amazing, and most of the time the majority is the former. If I were to write a blog post on the best people who stay in hostels, I’d be dead before I finished.
– Tom @ indieroad.
P.S – I have spent like 20 minutes trying to find some good images for this article and have so far just come up with a picture of Tim with his thumb up, so have a photo of me ruining the picturesque Lake Wanaka in my dumb Pugs t-shirt. Also, Claudia wanted me to write “sexy” before “Venezuelan” but I don’t want to inflate her ego any larger.